27 July 2006

Hate mail to Bobby Henderson

Bobby Henderson is the self-proclaimed prophet of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Of course, when you have a joke that's this big, the fundies all go crazy and email you with all sorts of stuff.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading the religious and hate mail that he gets. I find it hilarious. Of course, there is the off chance that Henderson himself finds it harrowing. Some of it is pretty abusive:

I just saw your fucking website and you have to be the most screwed up
mother fucker out there. Do you realize that people eat your fucking
FSM everyday. This is the most stupid bullshit I have ever heard in
my fucking life. I feel sorry for your parents because they have
raised such a dumbass and if I were them I would never show my face
again. If i ever meet up with you or one of your "followers" I will
beat the living fucking hell out of them. You are so fucking stupid I
don't know how you made it to college much less out of preschool. One
of theses days you are going to mess with the wrong person and they
are going to slap the fuck out of you. Your pictures are stupid and
the flying spaghetti monster is the ugliest fucking thing I have ever
seen. I bet your just as fucking ugly as that damn thing is. That
sort of monster would scare the hell out of any little kid in your
preschool classes. Get a life you dumbass fucking idiot and then
maybe you will see how stupid you really sound to the people that are
not believeing in all this shit that you come up with. All your trying
to do is get attention and obviously it's working but in the opposite
way you fuckhead. You probably never get laid because of your stupid
ass suggestions. Hope you have the most fucked up life with your FSM
beliving dumbass girlfriend that you get one day. MAYBE!! When that
girl comes along and belives this shitn then she will be just as
stupoid as your ass. Have a good day and hope that you have really
fucked up kids. God Bless!

- sherlet davis

I put the bits above in bold.

Now these guys have serious problems. Note that a loving, merciful and forgiving God somehow requires His servants to scream abuse, swear, spell "arse" as "ass" and just generally be as foul-mouthed and as abusive as possible.

Very "Christian" behaviour indeed.

Or this:

Bobbie you are a cock sucker;

I really needed help with some very heavy problems, and your piece of shit web site came up. Yes it was foolish to ask for help and guidance when things were so bad for me. Instead of finding something of value, I found you. You and your piece of shit web site interfered and gave me empty space. Be proud of yourself and eat shit and die. If I could find you right now, I would make that so. You are worthless trash in the scale of things. If you only tried to give something to the people who actually are so desperate that they would actually ask the question, " God tell me what I should do" on the Internet, it could make a difference. So much for that idea. You do more harm with you nothingness that if you didn't actually exist. I suggest you solve this problem with you existence. Make it stop.

Just a concerned viewer. And Yes, I am very pissed off. If you don't like what I have said, just let me know where to find you. We can work it out. I have a feeling I will feel much better afterward.

George Esser - headhunting.net

I didn't bold that. Esser did.

Incidentally, that is a live link. I'm going to have a bash at interviewing this guy - I'm curious as to why a guy would make public physical threats like this and still have an online presence. Does he not worry about a bad reputation, or is it part of the show?

The odd thing about all these is the insistence that Henderson is gay in about half of them. Given that homosexuality and homophobia are supposedly so highly correlated, how does that leave this bunch of epistlers?

Mind you, I suspect that some of these so-called, "hate" or "religious" emails might be somewhat contrived.

This is my personal favourite at the moment - it's clearly contrived. Nothing with this many ironies in it could possibly be for real:

You are the biggest hypocrite I have ever been exposed to; throughout your page you repeatedly assert that evolution is the only "scientific" explanation of the origin of species, yet right on your front page you say that such absurd theories as the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" should also be incorporated into public high school science curriculum. So let me explain this to you nice and slow; the Bible is the answer, it is what is to be differed to at all times; the Bible is 100% true- it says so in the Bible. Now, as far as science goes, who the hell do you think your are to call Intelligent Design "illegitimate science," technically, evolution is the only scientific theory yes; and technically, midgets are people... So we aren't to concerned with technicalities are we? Plus, part of education is being exposed to every side of the story, because if we cannot give six billion accounts of each event, then not everyone is being fairly represented and we are reduced to defining science as some kind of "standard" outside of human gut-instinct. And besides, as an acquaintance once said (really) "what good has evolution done the world anyway?"

So there we have it, as I noticed some of you other readers correctly pointed out, if you question things your are a tool of Satan. You don't need to question, God does all the thinking for us; he actually has a degree in Philosophy. Abortion is wrong, it says so in the bible, I dare you to go look it up- you probably won't find it, but that's just because your gay, which is also wrong- it says so in the Bible. Now some of us will be wondering the justification for that moral assertion, but remember the Bible is flawless- it says so in the Bible.

Back to evolution- all of the evidence that exists for it is actually false and placed there by Satan, and so that evidence really isn't inconsistent with the Bible at all, and that makes it void. But the evidence that is the Bible, and its infinite circle of self-validation is completely inconsistent with evolution. I mean come on, if God didn't really make Adam and Eve, why would He lie to us? And so since ID has more valid evidence than evolution supporting it, it wins and you lose.

As a Christian, I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

With love,

Whoever "Charlie" is, that had me in stitches. That letter is absolute genius.

Get amongst it - it is completely all good.



Anonymous said...

That was a pissa....:) I guess religious fervour can get out of hand, but when it's limited to this sort of thing it's hilarious. I can see how it might worry him though...

Anonymous said...

I just saw this over at Rockstars'. After reading yours, man did I laugh...:)

Anonymous said...

I just can't believe that first one. The guy doesn't even seem to understand that it's a joke. I'm not sure if that qualifies as funny or as frighteningly sad.

Hang on. Did I just say the FSM was a joke. I take it all back. Forgive me in the name of the noodle.

RAmen brothers.

Dikkii said...

As the Two Percent Co said over on their site, it does appear that the less intelligence you have, the more likely you are to be belligerent about your beliefs (paraphrasing).

Mind you, I have to admit to not giving this first email the benefit of the doubt - you can't tell from that email if he's a religious nut or just a nut.

Bronze Dog said...

Nothing with this many ironies in it could possibly be for real

You'd be surprised.