All aboard: Eighties bandwagon now boarding

Yep. The eighties are back. And where is this more evident than in the music world, where now people like Billy Idol, Gary Numan, Duran Duran and Culture Club were being hailed as musical visionaries. Culture Club? Please.

So I went back through my music collection, as you do, to find out what I was listening to in the eighties.

I was kinda lucky, in that when I was growing up, all my friends had started listening to Triple J when it was a Sydney only radio station. Triple J did the same job then that Triple R and PBS are doing in Melbourne now (and then too, I might add) and also Triple Z in Brisbane, amongst others. As a result, I missed out on Bros, Bon Jovi and a myriad of fly-by-nights that sold in big numbers in those days.

Now don't get me wrong, I think that teenybopper music is healthy. For every Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys of the nineties, there was an eighties equivalent that we can all remember. For example, Wa Wa Nee. Haircut 100. Does anyone remember the Jo Boxers? You get the idea.

But teenybop is good. We all need to be able to go back and see something like this in our collections to say, "What was I thinking?" and have a good cringe before hiding the offending item so that no one will see it. The same thing will happen when the kids of today grow up and look at their K-Ci & JoJo CD.

The first tape I ever bought was the INXS album The Swing. I loved it. Actually, I don't cringe when I look at this, primarily because INXS didn't suck at this stage. That came two albums later when they released Kick. I was dudded good and proper when I bought this one.

Anyway, today I'm going to present you with 20 Records That Mattered From The Eighties. You'll notice that I haven't gone for the completely predictable, and even surprised myself at leaving out some absolute gems that others may have included, for example, The Unforgettable Fire (U2), Darklands (The Jesus and Mary Chain), Do Re Mi's first album, Once We Were Scum, Now We are God (No), The Queen is Dead (The Smiths) and others. I left out the greatest band ever, Devo, because their best efforts were done in the late seventies, and also Blondie and Talking Heads for the same reason. In fact, getting it down to 20 was hard enough. And even then, I had to segregate the Australian stuff from the others, primarily because there was sooooooo much of it that was good.

So here goes…

The Top Ten International Eighties Chart

1. Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation

My second favourite CD ever. This was great, combining dissonance with rock and an all pervading mood of hopelessness and despair. 'Teen Age Riot' was a pop classic, 'The Sprawl' was a glorious, sprawling mess and Lee Ranaldo's 'Eric's Trip' just went mental. These days Sonic Youth just play art wank, but this was when they were at their best.

2. The Pixies - Doolittle

Most people will agree that Doolittle was the best thing that the Pixies ever did, mind you, the rest of their work was not so shabby either. Hearing Black Francis (as Frank Black was known back then) hollering his way through 'Debaser' and 'Dead' and then hearing Kim Deal's groovy bassline to 'Here Comes Your Man' sends the wobblies down your spine. Whatever happened to Joey Santiago? His guitar sound made the Pixies.

3. REM - Green

I still think that was the weirdest album I ever bought. Stipe, Mills, Buck and Berry will never equal this moment, although I know REM fans who much prefer Document or Automatic for the People. 'Orange Crush' rocked, 'World Leader Pretend' was a fine pop moment, and so too was 'Stand'. 'Pop Song '89' just had this insanely catchy Peter Buck riff that could get anyone at home grooving along.

4. The Cure - Standing on a Beach

A lot of people think that The Cure had 2 good albums (Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me and Disintegration) and a string of fine singles. I'm no different, and here's the singles collection that predated the two meisterwerks. You have to love 'The Walk', 'Primary', 'A Forest', and much as Cure fans hate it, 'Let's go to bed'. Although missing some choice tracks from earlier albums, it hits the spot.

5. New Order - Substance

A little bit harsher, New Order only had good singles. This was a particularly good compilation of that eighties phenomenon - the 12" mix. Funnily enough, each of these songs only sound complete in the 12" format, which probably says a lot more about the remixes rather than the songs themselves, but each of these songs is good. 'Blue Monday', 'Bizarre Love Triangle', they're all here. I only wish that they'd do a Substance, Part 2 with their later stuff, but they'd probably be more inclined to subject it to modern remix rendering which, IMHO, has a tendency to date faster.

6. Metallica - Master of Puppets

Metallica took their brand of thrash metal one step further on this one and invented 'mood metal' on this, their third album, and last one featuring bassplayer Cliff Burton. 'Welcome Home (Sanitarium)' and 'Orion' out-mood most things, and then really thrash along at a frightening pace, as the title track will testify. Metallica went on to suck, two albums later, when their 'Black' album was released, proving yet again that once you have been identified as a "genre" band, you cannot break out of the pigeonhole you've created for yourself.

7. Jean-Michel Jarre - Zoolook

Jarre made a welcome return to form on this album, doing exactly what Enigma and Deep Forest did and are doing ten years later. Sampled vocals and rhythms from all around the globe met with, for the first time in Jarre's recording career, other musicians. Featured on this album was the guitarwork of King Crimson's Adrian Belew, as well as the vocal 'talents' of Laurie Anderson on 'Diva'. The tribal funk of 'Ethnicolor' was mindblowing.

8. Husker Du - Candy Apple Grey

A band with two certifiable genii - Bob Mould and Grant Hart - went on to redefine power pop with this, perhaps their least thrashy album. Guitarist Mould would, though, be identified as 'that guy from Husker Du' and go on to success with Sugar and a solo career, while Hart the Drummer would go on to alcoholism and drug abuse, even though he wrote their biggest hit 'Don't Want to Know if You are Lonely' which is on this.

9. Soundgarden - Louder than Love

Soundgarden were always a grunge band to the music media. To me, they were always proto-grunge, the type of band that Sub Pop records must have got their name from. They weren't very metal, yet, being more of a power-rock band than anything else, but the latent power in their music was becoming more apparent, as evidenced by 'Loud Love'. The next album for them was to be their schizoid breakthrough album, Badmotorfinger.

10. Dead Kennedys - Give me Convenience, or Give me Death

Just for East Bay Ray's guitar work on 'Holiday in Cambodia'. Jello Biafra was starting to get more openly political at this stage, and Biafra's cynicism was turning, slowly, from happy irony into rebellious sarcasm. Out of any band ever, only this band was subversive enough to have accomplished what the punk era tried (and failed) to do - full scale revolution. And just like the punk bands, they failed.

So. On to the Australians.

The Australian Top Ten from the eighties

1. Hoodoo Gurus - Stoneage Romeos

Following on from a reputation as putting on the most feral live show in Australia, the Hoodoo Gurus first album was an amazing work that was always going to be hard to top. You cannot beat 'My Girl' and 'I Want You Back for sheer pop thrills, and if you combine this with songs about kamekaze pilots and necrophilia, all delivered with completely straight faces, you had the odd mix that the Hoodoos delivered.

2. The Church - Starfish

The Church had the mood thing down pat. In spite of Steve Kilbey's somewhat fey vocal delivery, they mixed this with a trademark jangle that owed as much to the Byrds as it did to Marty Willson-Piper's twelve string Rickenbacker. 'Under the Milky Way' was just a beautiful little ballad, and tunes like 'Reptile' and 'North and South and East and West' rocked in a way that they never could do live. Live, they rocked something amazing.

3. The Triffids - Born Sandy Devotional

The most Australian sounding music? Either The Triffids or Gang Gajang had it, which was something sorely needed in the Eighties. Still, the Triffids came out on top in this one, and when you're out in your Mazda in the New South Wales outback, heading west from Menindee to Broken Hill, the sound of 'Wide Open Road' is virtually guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye.

4. Sunnyboys - Sunnyboys

In the early part of the eighties, Jeremy Oxley was regarded, for a short time anyway, as a bit of a genius. Such adulation was deserved in this case, as the Sunnyboys first album was nothing short of a pop masterpiece. When you think of this band, you think of 'Alone With You' and 'Happy Man'. They're both on this classic album. The Sunnyboys reformed in the early nineties for a few gigs, their lineup featuring one Tim Freedman, who would go on to form The Whitlams. Oxley disappeared, seemingly, without trace.

5. V.Spy V.Spy - Harry's Reasons?

This band had three classic albums, the other ones being AO Mod. TV Vers. and Xenophobia(Why?). Their first, Harry's Reasons? was an absolute cracker. You had this intensely claustrophobic and paranoid atmosphere that started with 'All Over the World' and didn't let up until 'Injustice'. Very political, yet they didn't beat you over the head with it. The cover of the theme from 'Dangerman' was a cack.

6. Midnight Oil - Species Deceases (EP)

Why this EP ahead of 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and Diesel and Dust? This was the Oils at their absolute finest, showing a raw intensity that had waned a little after their over-ambitious Red Sails in the Sunset album. You have to get this one on vinyl, as the CD version has been mastered most disrespectfully.

7. The Go-Betweens - Before Hollywood

Proving once again that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts, The Go-Betweens excelled in this awesome piece of work. Although Forster, McLennan and Morrison went on to produce crap after the GBs broke up, this one serves to remind just how vital a listen to the Go-Betweens is. Another very Australian sounding band, it's a mystery to me how the patronising British press got behind this. Oh I forgot, 'Cattle and Cane'. 'Nuff said.

8. TISM - Great Trucking Songs of the Renaissance

Those who know me know that I am an unrepentant TISM fan. Sorry. This album was probably good because TISM just went through their back catalogue at the time and culled the best tracks, including 'Defecate on my Face' (the disco version), 'I'm Interested in Apathy', 'Martin Scorsese…', 'Saturday Night Palsy' etc. TISM still had some charm at this point and hadn't completely ditched the silliness. I kinda miss the silliness.

9. Divinyls - Desperate

Mark McEntee was the coolest guitarist in Australian rock music. We all wanted to be him when we grew up, and try to look as cool as he did in the background when Chrissie Amphlett was doing the virgin/nympho thing out the front. Still he knew how to write a good hook, and this album was loaded with them, as evidenced by 'All The Boys in Town', 'Only Lonely', and 'Science Fiction'. Fantastic.

10. Hunters & Collectors - The Jaws of Life

Last but not least, the Hunnas. This was before percussionist Greg Perano left the band, and some would say took their heart with it. They had one almighty sound back then, owing mainly to the rhythm section of Perano, Jack Archer and Doug Falconer, as well as the incredibly screwy guitar sound of Mark Seymour. The songs grooved like there was no tomorrow, and with songs like '42 Wheels' and 'Betty's Worry or The Slab', who needed it?

So there goes. I'm glad to have got that out of my system.

Why Class Reunions should be Encouraged

I'm off to a year six reunion in twenty days time. It should be a lot of fun, provided that I refrain from being my usual yobbish self.

Now, I should give you a little bit of info on myself.

I'm a Sydneysider who lives in Melbourne. Now the first question that anyone asks at this point is, "What's the difference between Sydney and Melbourne?"

If you don't live in either city, you're very fortunate if you don't know about it, but a media-propagated "rivalry" exists between the two cities. This has been going on so long that people actually believe it.

Anyway, in answer to that question, someone once said that the difference is that where Sydney is full of "yuppie wankers", Melbourne is full of "arty wankers". Either way, they're all wankers. But all generalisations suck, as another great sage once said.

I moved to Melbourne in 1991 to study Commerce at Melbourne Uni after two years at a co-ed boarding school in Albury, NSW. Before that I lived in Sydney in the fairly nondescript suburb of Frenchs Forest, and was at that venerable institution that goes by the name of The Forest High School. Two years at Chatswood Primary School before that, and before that, 5 years at Frenchs Forest Primary School and that is my academic life in a nutshell.

But focus on those two years, 1983 and 1984, when I spent years 5 and 6 at Chatswood Primary School. I was in a class called an "Opportunity C" class. (Yes. I'm 26 in three weeks. I'm officially an old fart)

Now for those of you in Victoria (or anywhere else), in New South Wales, selective government schooling doesn't extend to only 3 or 4 high schools, it extends to about 15 to 20. In addition to this, there was "Opportunity" classes in primary school.

These were classified thus - A was for the general population. B was for the blind kids and D was for the deaf kids. But C, was for the "gifted" kids. We're talking IQs here, folks. We're talking those tests that they made you do in fourth grade, where they would ask you a question like, and I'm not joking:

A. Red House

B. White House

C. Blue House

D. Yellow House

Which house does Mr Smith live in?

Now, if that is going to give you any idea how intelligent you are, then much can be made of these so-called intelligence tests.

For a start, psychologists argue amongst themselves as to the relevance of IQs. Are they the be all and end all? Take these examples.

1. A child is phenomenally intelligent, but has undiagnosed reading difficulties. Valid IQ obtained in a standard test?

2. A child is considered well read and artistic, yet has problems with mental arithmetic, which a good fifty percent of the questions relate to. Valid IQ?

3. A child is considered stupid, but has seen the questions and answers. Valid IQ?

4. A child has had no contact with civilisation, yet mostly the questions assume some level of schooling. Valid IQ?

So if they have problems actually working out what someone's IQ is, then how did they ever come to the conclusion that it is a way of objectively ranking people intellectually?

Anyway, I ended up in an opportunity C class at Chatswood Primary because I was allegedly in that top 2% that got offers. Incidentally, there were three other people from Frenchs Forest Primary who were offered places in this class. One accepted (like myself), one turned it down, and I never found out who the last person was.

Into this class went other people from the area - mostly from the Northern Beaches and North Shore areas of Sydney. We all hung out together and as a result, we were probably a tighter knit than other sixth grade classes.

So out of curiosity, and you disciples of Freud and Jung out there can read into this anything you like, I prepared a sort of survey to see what happens when a bunch of possible Einsteins are unleashed onto society. If your PhD is in sociology and you haven't thought of what your thesis is going to be on, this might help. It goes a little something like this:

Go to your next reunion and find out the…

• Number of people who left school after year 10.
• Number who went on to Uni.
• Number who engaged in that undergrad tradition - ripping articles out of journals because they were too lazy to line up for the photocopiers.
• Number who lived in a hall or college of residence while at Uni.
• Number who were regarded as "college legends".
• Number who were regarded as lepers.
• Number who went on to study post-grad. (NB you could also introduce a sub-question specifying post-grad qualification, ie assoc-dips, grad-dips, pg-dips, grad-certs, pg-certs, masters, PhDs, etc)
• Number now married.
• Number once married.
• Number more than once married.
• Number in de Facto relationships.
• Number with kids.
• Number with kids born out of wedlock.
• Number with extra-marital lovers.
• Number with extra-marital kids.
• Number who've visited prostitutes.
• Number who visit prostitutes regularly or occasionally.
• Average age of lost virginitys.
• Number who've come out as being gay or lesbian.
• Number who admit to being bisexual.
• Number who consider themselves "sexually fluid".
• Number who won't admit to any of the last 3 questions.
• Number who consider themselves straight but have been in a gay/lesbian liaison.
• Number who've used/who use illegal drugs.
• Number to have had a drug and/or alcohol problem.
• Number who currently have a drug/alcohol problem.
• Mean and median income level with outliers noted.
• Number who admit to being at least 80% happy with their career choice.
• Number who haven't made a career choice.
• Number on the dole.
• Number who consider themselves religious, whether completely, semi, or marginally.
• Number who consider themselves agnostic.
• Number who consider themselves athiest.
• Number practising a religion different to that of their background or upbringing.
• Number practising a religion where they are a self proclaimed messiah or prophet.
• Number who consider sex is a viable religion.
• Number who have/who've had a problem with sex addiction.
• Number who make or who have made a living as a professional athlete.
• Number who are or who have been addicted to their own endorphins.
• Number who still live in city where school is located.
• Number who live outside country where school is located.
• Number who live in the USA.
• Number who vote ALP.
• Number who vote Liberal/National.
• Number who vote other, including Democrats and Greens.
• Number of swinging voters, ie those who are actually objective.
• Number who vote informally.
• Number who haven't actually put their names on the electoral roll yet.
• Number who think that two party preferred elections are a joke.
• Number who think that bicameral legislature is also a joke.
• Number who know the name of their state and federal MPs as well as being able to name at least two MLCs and two senators from their state.
• Number of medical doctors/surgeons. (not graduates or interns)
• Number of doctors proper.
• Number of lawyers. (not articles clerks or graduates)
• Number of accountants. (not graduates or people doing PY or CPA programs)
• Number of garbologists.
• Number who have owned a '78 Mazda 323, a '72 Toyota Celica, an '84 Holden Commodore or a Leyland P76.
• Number who'd take this questionnaire at all seriously.

Well, that's it.

Get your answers in, and there'll be a special prize for the most hilarious (but true!!) answers.

A Brief History of Token Idiocy in Popular Music

This article was originally written by Chris Chapman in 1995. While I have paraphrased the majority of it - because I don't have a copy - you should get the general gist of it. In addition, I have added a few other details. The reason that this is being re-aired, is because I happen to like the concept of a token idiot. If you can't deal with that, go to this nice interesting site.

You have to love Pay TV. Since we got Foxtel, household conversations have devolved to the point that it is now a matter of life and death what happened to Herr Flick of the Gestapo when the Christmas pudding he confiscated from Café Rene exploded. Was Peter Davison a better Doctor than Colin Baker? Who is stupider - Homer Simpson, or Herman Munster? How would Mr Kotter deal with colour gangs and concealed weapons? Why did Kimberley try to get everyone lobotomised?

But lately, the conversation has turned back to life's more pressing matters, as we try to go into rehab for our shocking TV addiction. Like what caused the evolution of Token Idiocy?

1. The Village Idiot

The village idiot in the medieval and middle ages was the source of all this.

But the envelope was very small, and there was not much of a way to express themselves without going beyond their role. Consequently, some of them became court jesters, town criers and clowns in circuses.

And some went on to study the viola.

2. Idiots in Classical Music

Classical music is seen as something of a victory for idiots everywhere. When the chamber orchestra was invented, violists found themselves the butt of all jokes from everyone else. Yet they thrived and multiplied, and when chamber orchestras evolved into symphony orchestras, the violist became the viola section.

Evolution? No, just bandwagon jumping. By now, the token idiot's role had surpassed that of participant to hanger-on, and when the orchestra needed a silly little man out the front to wave a stick, who did they get?

The conductor - history's most lauded token idiot.

But with the twentieth century approaching, token idiots needed a change. So where did they go.

3. Vaudeville

Vaudeville. Just the name conjures up thoughts of people dressed up in baby clothes on a stage in a music hall playing the ukulele. Idiots. Every single one.

While popular music was going through fads and phases, Vaudeville nurtured true idiocy. Trad jazz, Berlin cabaret, the "Charleston", blues, big-band swing and be-bop were the diets of the popular music consumer through the early part of this century, but on Vaudeville, nothing upset the role of the seriously idiotic.

With the collapse of Vaudeville, token idiots were left with nowhere to go but popular music, which had in the mean time taken a small dose of swing blended with a measure and a half of the blues and chased this down with some country and some folk to form Rock and Roll.

4. Rock and Roll

In the sixties, token idiots found their niche when Ringo Starr replaced Pete Best in the Beatles. A good reliable drummer, Ringo had the frivolity down pat and his place in the annals of history will never be disputed. The Beach Boys had Mike Love, who did his part very well and provided a much needed foil to the drug-addled vanity of Brian Wilson

But it was the Stones who took the concept of a token idiot to an apotheosis. Brian Jones is lauded quite rightfully for his part in raising the concept of a token idiot above that of a curiosity. Jones is seen by token idiots everywhere as being the one to kick start the musical revolution that made everyone who was forming a band say: "I want a token idiot in my band."

Throughout the rest of the sixties and seventies, everyone experimented with token idiots:

• Frank Zappa had a whole band of them;
• Parliament/Funkadelic had one as their main creative force;
• The Doors had Jimbo;
• Roxy Music had Eno; and
• Sid Vicious - token idiot and sometime bassplayer with the Sex Pistols

In the eighties, they fell out of favour, descending into the morass that was Cock Rock. All bands had to have a pouting, preening and spandex-clad lead guitarist and singer. No one epitomised this more than David Lee Roth and Eddie van Halen, who at the end of the day were frustrated token idiots.

Outside of Cock Rock, idiots were relegated to the drumming stool. That was, until Public Enemy and the Happy Mondays came along.

The Happy Mondays had Bez - a very silly man with a very silly name. All Bez did was play the maracas and dance around a lot, and while his band mates were being credited with "Vocals", "Guitars", or "Keyboards and Programming", his name actually went up as "Bez - Token Idiocy".

Public Enemy went one step further with their contribution - Flavor Flav and the S1W. Flav danced around the stage like a madman, while the S1W - four uniformed security guys - did the standing at attention thing interspersed with the odd choreographed martial arts moves. For a short time, they also had Professor Griff, but his mix of anti-semitism and token idiocy didn't quite gel and he was eventually ejected from the band.

Today, the token idiot is still thriving.

TISM, an Australian band feel it necessary to take the stage with no less than three token idiots, including a poet. And there is a band called Pavement from Chapel Hill, North Carolina, who have this guy by the name of Bob Nastanovich. And need I mention the Prodigy - who have two totally excellent idiots in Keith and Leroy.

So, does your band need a token idiot?

That question should read - can your band afford to be without one.

Uoy Sevol Natas

Easter is over again, and the only thing that has been nagging my conscience is that I didn't do a Diatribe for the month of March. Consequently I have been facing allegations of laziness from the four of you out there who actually read my column. Sorry.

Anyway, Easter. What does it mean to you? Most of the world seems to see it as a celebration of all things chocolatey, and not of the Christian festival that inspired it. Was there actually a Jesus? Did he die on the cross? Did he, as my housemate Brendan has suggested, have it coming? Let's just look at the evidence.

The Bible is a fount of information. Depending on your point of view, it is fact or fiction. But then again, so is the Torah (incorporated in the Bible), the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Mahabharat, and the Karma Sutra. But the central tenet is that it is the word of God, albeit as told to various men who were the scribes and translators. This leads us to one conclusion, based on the info given that no man is without sin:

At least some of the Bible is a lie.

If man is inherently sinful, then there is a game of Chinese whispers from God down to man. "The ambulance is coming" quickly becomes "the purple goose is cooked alpha pension wigwam", as the scribe writes down what he thinks is correct, the translator translates and the publishing houses print while trying to avoid copyright lawsuits from the previous translators. Basically every question should be asked, from who was the proofreader, to why was the book of Ruth included at the expense of Tobit and Ecclesiasticus? Why were bits of Esther deleted? What happened to the Gospel according to Phillip? Obviously some selective editing went on, not to mention some complete fabrication.

But we can get some idea of the Almighty from the Bible, and we can conclude this:

God was not a good bloke.

A bit harsh, nonetheless all true - who else kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden after eating an apple that He told them not to eat? Want more? The genocide of almost the entire population of the planet under floodwaters, the visiting of the people of Egypt with terrible plagues, the stopping of what would have been the highest building the world would ever have seen by making the labourers speak different languages. Job was allowed to suffer immeasurably because God wanted to test his faith. Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac for the same laugh. Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt because she dared to look back at her hometown which God was in the process of destroying due to a rampant case of divine homophobia. Judas Iscariot was set up to take the fall for Christ's crucifixion. None of which, incidentally, confirms God's claim to be a loving and merciful God.

Brendan, incidentally, has this hypothesis that God is, in fact, the bad guy and that Satan is the good guy. Quite a strong argument when you look at the above info, and Satan doesn't seem to do anything to compare, save the aforementioned torment of Job, which God expressly condoned.

The above leads us to the next two conclusions:

God is a homophobe.

He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, due to their dabbling in the love that dare not speak its own name. Enough said. (Although it should be noted, the only witness to this was turned into a pillar of salt, and for all we know, God could have whisked the two towns off to another planet.)

Judas Iscariot was a saint.

Christians everywhere will strongly deny this, but the fact remains, if it weren't for Iscariot's 30 pieces of silver, Christ would not have been crucified. If Christ was not crucified, he wouldn't have been able to come back from the dead, which is central to Christianity. By coming back from the dead, he proved himself to be the son of God. It thus follows that, if it weren't for Judas, JC may never have been able to prove himself as the Saviour which he was.

One confusing thing that is reiterated throughout the Bible is the concept of the Holy Trinity. It should be seen that such a concept is impossible, due to Christ's embarrassing admission that he didn't know the date of Armageddon, and that only the Father knew. If this is truly the case, then the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit are three separate deities.

Confounding the issue even more, is the problem faced by anyone wanting to know who the Holy Spirit is, as "Lefty" doesn't seem to get as much print space as Jehovah and Jesus. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now going to release a truth so fundamentally obvious, you will kick yourself several times in the shin, butt and groin as you wonder why you never thought of this before:

The Holy Spirit is none other than Satan.

That's right. Satan. Beelzebub. The Anti-Christ. The Devil. The Prince of Darkness. Lucifer. The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Mr Brimstone. Old Nick. Great Beast that is called "Dragon". May as well add Lefty to that list, as they are one and the same.

But how? Ever notice how Satan and Lefty don't ever appear together? God, the all seeing, all powerful, all knowing Father hadn't kicked Satan out of Heaven as late as Job appeared on the Earth, even though he must've known that Satan was the supreme evil overfiend and not the humble heavenly host that he appeared.

This brings us to the last in this series of startling Revelations:

God is neither perfect nor omnipotent.

God was on a learning curve, and he showed it by exercising his Divine muscle in the old days, and, even though far more atrocities are being perpetrated today, there are no more big floods, no more languages, no more towns being flown off to other galaxies far, far away. If God was perfect, he wouldn't have invented sin, would he?

And let's face it, if it bugs him so much, he only has to snap his fingers, and it's gone. And he hasn't done that, either. Most likely because he can't.

4 comments from the archives:

Anonymous said...

shut the fuck up you retarded bloke

12 April, 2006 05:27

Dikkii said...

An erudite and enlightened response.

16 April, 2006 10:58

beepbeepitsme said...

anonymous doesn't appear to be too happy..lol

22 June, 2006 09:21

Dikkii said...

Hi Beep.

You can't say that's not amusing. Notice that is always the sick religiosos who swear, insult and threaten violence first.

Not that this particular anonymous threatened violence.

22 June, 2006 21:20

Republic. Be in it.

So are you all glued to the screen of your TV watching the Constitutional Convention with baited breath? I am. There promises to be some fireworks in the next few days, as republicans go head to head with not only the monarchists, but each other as well.

I for one don't think that I could bear to miss the rivetting action from the floor of the House of Representatives in Old Parliament House. I'm putting money on Malcolm Turnbull completely losing his cool and decking Alf Garland, as he tag-teams with Bruce Ruxton for monarchist team, whilst Turnbull and his mates fend off the attacks of the hard-core team of Moira Rayner and the Reverend from Hell, alias Tim Costello.

Yes folks. It will be interesting to see what contributions, if any, that the holy trinity of Eddie McGuire, Steve Vizard and Poppy King will introduce to the whole melee, as that certifiable pair of funsters Ted Mack and Phil Cleary ride in with all guns blazing.

But I wonder whether it will all be worth it. For you see, this whole charade is going to cost the taxpayer x amount of millions of dollars, and I personally do not see any firm conclusions surfacing at all.

So, Dikkii. Where do you stand on all of this?

Well, if you'll forgive me talking to myself in the third person, I must profess to being a republican. Note the small 'r', because in the next few days, I think that this distinction is going to become as important as that between small and large 'l' liberals and small and large 'd' democrats.

Incidentally, why don't you have small and large 'l' labors, apart from the fact that this is poor grammar and that the ALP can't spell?

Back to the topic at hand. I'll reiterate the fact that I'm a republican, for the amount of good that it'll do me, because I don't think that it is as clear cut as it used to be.

The minimalists all believe that all references to the Queen and the GG (insert heroin joke here) can all be whited out and replaced with the term President in what is effectively a cosmetic makeover of the constitution to satisfy the middle ground. These people can be best typified by the aforementioned Malcolm Turnbull, and Prof George Winterton. They probably listen to Mariah Carey, Michael Bolton and Celine Dion, or maybe a small dose of the Wyndham Hill label. Some would ask what is the point? Effectively, it is a constitutional monarchy with a few name changes here and there.

The maximalists all want to get their own little sections in the constitution. I'm surprised that none of these nutcases has staked a claim in New Zealand, or called for the abolition of the states. Together with the ones who are a little less severe in their stance, they all agree that a head of state should be popularly elected. Obviously, they've never heard of a little country with the initials USA, where this situation just doesn't seem to work - the words "lame duck" automatically spring to mind. They listen to hardcore techno, hardcore death metal and hardcore jazz. They don't listen to hardcore hiphop, because this would be ideologically unsound.

The monarchists all like to listen to Bach and trad jazz. They are all unanimous, as Mrs Slocum would say, in their belief that if it ain't broke, why fix it? This is somewhat scary, because it shows that all the old farts have a more united front than the young go-getters.

So what is the problem with this?

The way I see it, a republic is a good idea, because an Australian head of state sounds quite nice, especially when compared to the undemocratically unelected house of Windsor that currently holds all the cards. I think if it's elected, you may get the added bonus, and I use that word advisedly, of seeing Presidents forming governments and sacking others more frequently, although after the Whitlam thing, Australians are still burned by the whole thing, and it might also be good to see some of the reserve powers codified more explicitly so that this doesn't happen. So I think that I only prefer it elected if that were the case. Otherwise an appointee may be the way to go.

But hang on. Isn't this all going to cost us a huge amount of cash?

Yes.

And that's what I can't believe about this whole affair. While 'Chardonnay-sipping Sydneysiders' and their Melbourne equivalent (this includes you Ruxton. I know that you drink the stuff) are partying hard in the national capital, unemployment is on the rise, the trade deficit has blown out, funding to Universities and TAFE Colleges has been slashed and health is also being cut.

I said I wanted a republic, but only if is not going to cost a cent. Otherwise, let's just be realistic here, none of these problems are going to vanish overnight.

The whole thing is a complete and utter waste of money.

Flavour of the month: Drugs

There has been considerable debate about whether or not drugs should be legalised. Lets just look at the facts for a moment.

1. Drugs kill thousands of people each year;

2. Millions of dollars is spent on drug-law enforcement and in trying to control the drug trade;

3. Organised crime makes more from the drug trade than from all other activities;

4. Drug addiction is said to cause most burglaries as well as other unprovoked crime; and

5. Money flowing out of the country to pay for drugs actually has a material impact on the balance of payments.

Amongst other things.

The way I see it, the drug problem is more than just another case of mutant capitalism gone rampant. It is a terrifying voyage into the unknown, and people who get killed along the way are just gonna be replaced as long as people can beg, borrow or steal a ticket aboard.

But I have the solution - legalise all drugs.

"What's that," you say, "surely this is more than just a tad controversial?"

That's right. Legalise them all. This would alleviate all of the problems above.

How?

1. A legalised, yet highly regulated drug market would result in less deaths as people would only consume the drugs that they require for a buzz, consuming product free from impurities that often are the cause of many fatalities. Education would need to be provided, and this would be provided at schools and this would be provided at next-to-no additional cost to the taxpayer as most of the information that is already taught in schools could be readily expanded upon. Packaging could include health warnings - "Speed kills", "E-ing is a health hazard" and "Heroin may cause cardiac arrest". It would be priceless - anyone who got past all that is basically too stupid to live, anyway.

2. Readily available drugs would put the drug barons out of business, at least in this country, freeing up police resources for more abhorrent crime, like murder and rape. Customs officers can get back to less frivolous activities, like stopping arms, disease and exotic botanical diseases coming into the country.

3. Groups like the Mafia, the Triads, the 5Ts and the Yakuza would be forced into more legitimate activities as a result of their high priced drugs of questionable quality not finding buyers. Consequently;

4. Crime would reduce. This would also be as a result of less home invasions and burglaries, hold-ups, muggings and other anti-social activity caused by illicit drug activity.

5. No longer would we have billions of Australian dollars flowing out of the country. This can only help our financial situation as Australian money goes back into Australian grown drugs, which would employ a multitude of people and put some acceleration into the economy. The Australian government could own all the factors of production themselves, giving them direct control of something which, lets face it, they have absolutely no control over at the moment. There would be no need to tax this industry as the profits would be going into financing the next budget deficit that the government claims is a surplus because of the inclusion of extraordinary items like the selling off of public utilities to foreign investors. But I digress.

The most opposition to this plan wouldn't come from the Australian voter, surprisingly, but the likes of the Americans and other countries with strong anti-drug stances.

This is ironic, because the current wave of the world's drug trade is said to have got its kick off from the American government selling drugs illegally in the fifties in a bid to reduce the wealth of black neighbourhoods. Photos of places like Harlem, the Bronx, and South Central Los Angeles from the thirties and forties show relatively wealthy suburbs of major US cities. It has been revealed that drugs were sold by the CIA in these neighbourhoods for two reasons - the first one racially inspired, and the second financially inspired. The CIA used the money generated by their foray into peddling to fund a lot of their activities.

The implications of drug legalisation are so strongly in favour of legalisation, considering that most costs to society would be actually reduced if drugs were legalised. Considering alcohol and tobacco's costs to society relative to their benefits, I can see that the only people who would have a right to feel strongly against drug legalisation would be the big multinational pharmaceutical companies.

Art. The ultimate sellout?

You've probably no doubt heard about the Andres Serrano exhibition that was supposed to be being shown at the National Gallery of Victoria. It got canned due to a bunch of neanderthals masquerading as offended religious types doing far more offensive things than the photo that they were protesting against. Things like bludgeoning the photo in question. Damaging another photo as a diversion so that someone else could have a go at the piece entitled Piss Christ.

Religion is stupid. Religion has caused more wars than anything else, or anyone. The Iran-Iraq war that was effectively a stalemate for around ten years while soldiers got themselves killed, was a jihad between rival Shiite and Sunnite Muslims. Beirut is effectively a continuing battle between Jews, Christians and Muslims. Any of the wars between India and Pakistan. The crusades. Need I say more?

However, art is just as ridiculous. Piss Christ was a very neutral piece of work, compared to some of the atrocities perpetrated in the name of art. Piss Christ was golden-brown in colour, which basically sucks anyway, so the reason that the media concentrated their efforts on that particular piece of work is a mystery. But this doesn't explain the following:

• Apparently, in London, there was an exhibition containing as a centrepiece, a fully plumbed toilet;
• Some guy in New York gives himself paint enemas so that he can spray it out his butt on to a canvas;
• And there is a bloke in Melbourne who wires his body up to a synth so that he can make music from his heart rate.

It seems that in order to create art, you have to come up with the silliest concept in order for people to say things like, "It's the hidden surrealism of the underlying metaphor for human existence from a post-modern viewpoint that underlines the complicated simplicity of this work," and, "de rigueur."

This is crap.

What happened to entertainment?

Ultimately, the perceived aim of the 'artist' seems to be to come up with something that sells. Piss Christ basically was a vehicle for Serrano to boost his media profile and come up with a work that will make him a very rich person. Piss Christ was valued at $US20,000 before its first exhibition. After the NGV imbroglio, this has jumped 2000% to $US400,000. It would seem that Serrano's ultimate aim would be to keep showing the work at exhibitions around the world and bask in the notoriety that Piss Christ will bring him until that point where it's value peaks and he can fleece some wealthy investor of his bucks.

It's not right, is it? Some would say it's a con and they would be correct. Jackson Pollock's Blue Poles is owned by the National Gallery of Australia in Canberra. It's probably worth about $A40 million. Just quietly, I've seen this, and it's big. That's about all that I can say. For heaven's sake, it's just a piece of canvas with some paint on it. Not particularly memorable, and with a considerable amount of Australian taxpayers money spent on it.

The art community is always first to criticise when an artist is seen to have sold out, a move that is remarkably hypocritical considering that it can be seen that an artist's ultimate aim is to sell out to the highest bidder.

But I have the solution. Ban the term 'art'. Call painters 'painters', sculptors 'sculptors', photographers 'photographers' and performance artists 'wankers'. Ban all media coverage of these events. The kerfuffle surrounding the Serrano exhibition would not exist, and semi-talented wannabes would not be getting rich out of their ability to exploit gallery benefactors, the media and, of course, you, the paying punters.

The Electronica Debate

Fans of the musical genre "techno" were in uproar when heroes like the Prodigy and the Chemical Brothers finally started to sell in the USA. Quotes like, "They had to make their music digestible for the US market," abounded.

This makes me sick. People like this are in certain need of a good dose of reality. Allow me to illustrate as I pull these dills apart.

Techno fans were astounded that music fans in the US were picking up on stuff that they'd all been listening to for years. Or had they?

The average impression that the techno buff had of the US music fan was that they'd progressed from grunge to a music form that was not all that far removed, namely 'alternative' rock, deadly serious, a sort of rough pop that had more to do with bands of the eighties like REM rather than your grunge behemoths.

So when US music mags started talking about this new thing called 'electronica', techno buffs were apoplectic with fury.

They dissed all US music fans as 'bandwagon jumpers' and told them all to get stuffed. After all, where were these 'electronica' fans when the techno aficionados were getting E'd off their heads and raving all night? Where were they when all the failed raves were staged in the States by enthusistic Brits and Europeans wanting to school the Americans in their chosen field?

The truth is that the genre christened electronica by the US music press bears very little resemblance to that genre formally known as techno.

In these days when more and more music fans are questioning whether they were conned or not during the whole techno phenomenon, it is interesting to note that more of the 'old-school' (now there is an overused phrase) techno musicians are turning to the new electronic sound in order to update their sound. Or to save their careers, depending on how cynically you look at this.

One notorious example is CJ Bolland. After peddling what can only be described as techno for the greatest part of this decade, he burst out of the woodwork with 'Sugar is Sweeter', a ripoff of The Prodigy's 'Poison' if ever there was one. But he's not the only one. As I type this, more and more are switching camps ever so subtly.

US music fans, it seems, unbeknownst to those whose vocabulary consisted of one word, "Wicked!" were also getting into hip-hop. Want proof? How about the Beastie Boys and Beck? How about the Bloodhound Gang and Soul Coughing? Not black, I admit, but then, who's noticing? Not me, although, I could've mentioned that Ice-T has done more to bridge the gap between guitar-based music and funky beats than a myriad of techno pretenders.

Electronica seems to have, in it's most obvious characteristic, dispensed with repetitive, four-on-the-floor, boom-chi-boom-chi rhythms in favour of the diversity of hip-hop flavoured beats. Maybe after the last speed and E cocktail, techno heads can't tell the difference. Mind you, maybe they're just upset that their favourite genre has exploded into three separate pieces - electronica, trip-hop and drum 'n bass, which don't resemble techno that much at all.

Electronica also seems to have embraced instruments that techno found too repelling, such as voice and guitar, making it have more in common with industrial than techno. Where were these techno aficionados when industrial had it's heyday?

Is techno dead, then, the question would have to be?

If it is, then long live electronica.

High Art vs Popular Culture

I was having this conversation with this guy about a month ago when he mentioned that he was upset at the fact that the Federal Government was cutting it's arts funding.

What followed was a heated discussion, or rather, a near fist-fight.

Friends, arts funding should be cut all round. Abolish the Arts Council, the Australia Council and let the Sydney and Melbourne Symphony Orchestras fight it out in the pubs like most other bands do around the country. Let the art galleries fight for the punters' dollar the way that various comic emporiums and cartoon art galleries around the world do.

There is no possible argument why any of these anachronisms should be allowed to continue in their current form. The strangest thing about these things is that it is argued, that these institutions are necessary for 'cultural reasons'.

Cultural reasons??

What the hell is going on here? There is nothing cultural about high art.

The word 'culture' most commonly applies these days to a particular lifestyle, and the art-forms of that particular lifestyle. So does high art accurately reflect our culture?

Hardly.

Cases in point - Classical Music

Point one: Classical music has been described as the rock and roll of it's day.

This is a crock. Classical music was never the rock and roll of it's day.

Classical music may have evolved from the music of the masses in the middle ages. Minstrels that entertained the people moonlighted as the entertainment to the nobility. But this soon changed as those who could pay for their taste in music soon paid some of the musos big bucks to entertain them exclusively, while those musos unlucky enough to miss this bandwagon stayed in the taverns playing their ballads and jigs for the people of the general public.

The real rock and rollers were the folkies in the pubs, entertaining one and all with their simple songs about life, love, beer and sex while the classical musos stayed in the palaces and courts getting stoned out of their minds and sticking their heads up their arses. So what if they farted out a tune occasionally? They were fully paid professionals compared to the guys down at the pub who were probably working two day jobs and only doing the gigs at the pub because their mates knew that they could hold a tune after a few ales.

Lets face it. When Britain, France, Spain and Portugal were in a race to colonise the rest of the world, the crews, convicts and cargoes were not singing operas and oratorios. They were singing Bound for Botany Bay, Blow the Man Down and Frigging in the Rigging. Not exactly classical, and most likely in breach of today's obscenity laws in some circumstances.

Point Two - Classical Music has always been the cutting edge of music.

This is not in any way correct.

Although we only remember classical tunes from the past, and not the music of the people, the advent of Thomas Edison's phonograph has meant that we now have documentary evidence of popular music back to the start of this century.

Try to tell me that anything that has been written by a classical muso this century could possibly compare with works such as these in terms of cutting edge criteria:

Miles Davis' "Bitch's Brew",

Jimi Hendrix' "Electric Ladyland",

Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon",

Sonic Youth's "Daydream Nation",

Ministry's "Psalm 69", and

The Prodigy's "Music for the Jilted Generation"

to name but a few:

Other Artforms

The same thing can be said for the other artforms that the highbrow regard as 'superior'.

Visual art has long been superseded by comics and cartoons as entertainment for the masses. Who will people go to see more readily? The works of the painter or those of the animator?

Literary fiction versus popular fiction?

Can theatre, ballet and opera be compared with TV and cinema?

The answer is no. Comparing any of these is like comparing Rugby with Australian Rules Football. It can't be done. Art is a purely subjective experience, and can't be rated objectively.

Yeah!! A Conspiracy theory!

If I was to say to you that popular artforms were put down by the highbrow (highborn?) because they were seen as subversive by those who were unable to appreciate it, would you believe me?

I'm not sure if I believe it myself, but the evidence is overwhelming.

Gangster rap, death metal, violent movies and manga have been held by the powers that be to be dangerous as they encourage viewpoints that oppose those who don't understand those artforms.

Teenagers and students shake their heads in disbelief when certain articles of popular art are censored for their extreme views.

One of the most famous issues in the last few years was the fuss that was kicked up by wowser groups everywhere when the NWA song "F**k the Police" was receiving high rotation on Triple J, ironically an Australian Government funded radio station that broadcasts nationally as part of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC). The ABC also includes Radio National (news, current affairs and variety), News Radio, local talkback stations such as 3LO in Melbourne and 2BL in Sydney, and ABC-FM (a classical music station) as well as Radio Australia and ABC-TV.

When Triple J added this song to their playlist, it led to an imbroglio so big that, amongst events such as some announcers barricading themselves in the studios, announcers resigned or were sacked amongst a wholesale cleaning out by a management that has long been held to be the most conservative in the country.

Has music by Wagner ever been banned due to racist overtones?

No. And it will never be, because the highbrow like it so much, and they control society.