Sympathy for the Almighty

Please allow Me to introduce Myself, I'm a Man of... OK. That is the other guy.

But let's just get one thing straight, once and for all. Wealth and taste. That's Me.

And if Lucifer utters that line once more, I'm going to fucking punch his lights out. It's fucking bad enough that he had to con Mick Jagger into believing this horseshit.

Lucifer?? Wealth and taste? Give Me a fucking break!

So why am I writing for Dikkii's Diatribe? Tom over at Dubito Ergo Sum was wondering about four things he'd do better if he was God.

Well, he can get stuffed. I am the One who is called "I AM" and I demand an end to all these shenanigans once and for all.

Dikkii was going to write about what he would do if he was Me. The guy's a fucking hippie. Oh there would be plenty of namby-pamby, "World peace!" "End to child poverty!" and "The miraculous disappearance of paedophilia!" from him.

But who would you rather read, really? Him or Me?

Particularly when Dikkii is just going to fill it up with lame motherhood statements.

So. On to the real reason why you're here.

Now you lowlives and scum better pay attention, 'cause I'm writing now. I've copped some bad press lately. And really, I don't deserve it.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, because really, who the fuck are you to be badmouthing Me?

There's a lot of misconceptions about My role in this world and everything in it. And you lot are mostly to blame. I mean really, My Mother could have done a better job of translating and transcribing the bible better than you lot did.

Honestly, the thing is fucking hilarious. There are so many errors throughout, that I'm frankly amazed at the more cretinous of you that think that this book is inerrant.

Sorry, I meant to say "credulous" but, well, you know what good ol' Freud would say. If Satan wasn't roasting his sorry arse back to the stone-age. The dirty old fucker.

And as for the first time I heard that Trinity rubbish... Laugh? I nearly came!

Anyway, where was I again?

Oh yes. Enlightening you imbeciles on the real Me. What I actually "do". That sort of thing.

Let's call this the New New Testament. Because you lot did such a poor job of portraying Me in the last one, that I think that it's only fair that I start again.

Not that you lot will bother listening - most of you have your heads so far up your collective arseholes that I'm surprised that you can get your iPod headphones on to listen to that 4GB of illegally downloaded music.

Oh and I know what you listen to, too:

• Little Jack, of Little Rock, Arkansas. You talk big about your sophisticated taste in music, but I know you're secretly a Destiny's Child fan.
• Janice of Macon, Georgia. How much do you want Me not to tell your congregation at the local Baptist Church that you love Cannibal Corpse?
• Paul of Blackpool, England. Not only do you love Robbie Williams, you have a secret crush on him as well. That'll be fun when the boys at the pub find out.
• Oh and Dikkii. Dikkii, of Melbourne, Victoria. How the fuck did you stray so far from cutting edge? You've dug out your Mike Oldfield collection? You are soooooooooo lame. Oooooh! Tubular Bells, everybody!

This, fartknockers, is what God actually does:

1. Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory: This was the best idea any of you came up with in the last two millennia. Pity it was from an atheist. I've had these installed in heaven, and let Me tell you that the beer - a lovely hoppy pale ale - is the best drop you've ever tasted.
2. Jesus: My Son is a complete fucking disappointment. Not only is He a hippie, but He is nowhere near as pleasant as what people make Him out to be. Get Him on one of His moody days, and I guarantee you will never call Him "Saviour" again. More like "Completeandutterbastard".
3. Omnipotence: I'm far from omnipotent. Such a concept is idiotic, and I let John of Patmos have it with three weeks in Hell for bringing the subject up in the first place. However I am plenty powerful, and this gives Me the right to carry on like a pork chop. Responsibility? I'm fucking God, fool! I answer to no one.
4. The human body's shortcomings: Folks, I fucked up. Cancer. Indigestion. Those really weird spots that old ladies get. I thought that these were a really good idea at the time. It's too late for Me to fix them now. But if I had My time over, I'd really like to fix the whole body so it lived on air and excreted purest snow. No real reason, I just think it would be cool.
5. Paul of Tarsus: Oh this guy can just get fucked. Him and Simon Peter are the two reasons why I have no respect for anyone who attends church regularly. I wanted to send them to Hell, but I thought that it would be better for Me to keep them nearby so I could smite them readily and regularly.
6. Miracles: Who in My name came up with this stupid concept? Let Me put this one on the table once and for all - I do not work like that. Anyone who insists on thinking otherwise is just being a stubborn idiot.
7. Charismatics/Evangelicals/Pentacostalists: I rather like all you lot who regularly read Dikkii's blog. Both of you. Suffice to say, you'll all be pleased to know that yes, as Dikkii asserts, I don't respect anyone who sucks up to Me like these morons. I routinely sentence them to a couple of days in Hell after they die so that they get the message. I'm saving a whole month of carnage for Ted Haggard when he dies. Should be a scream!
8. The books of Joshua and Job: Fucking embarrassing. I have no idea who suggested that these ones go in, but if I ever find out, there will be Hell to pay. You better fucking believe it.
9. Mates: Yes, I have mates. And they're all deities with their own multiverses to play with. We get together for a beer occasionally, although I do want to stress that Baal and Jupiter are complete pricks. I mean, packing up and retiring is just not on.
10. Adam and Eve: That Tree of "Knowledge" was a dud. Should have been called the Tree of Prudishness. Thanks to that fucking tree, no one can walk around naked in the middle of summer and I do like the sight of My creation wandering around naked, especially those young brunettes.

What's that, Dikkii? You want your blog back? Who the fuck are you to be giving Me orders?