01 December 2007

Yay! A politically correct Christmas

I love it when political correctness goes overboard. It always brings a smile to my face.

So you can probably imagine my smirk when I saw this tale from, of all places, Sydney.

Now this is the kind of thing that Australia normally follows the rest of the world at. We're not a terribly pioneering country in the field of political correctness. But this was such gob-smacking brilliance that I just had to do a double-take.

If you're a parent, or potential parent, who believes that it is your role to specify what kind of "role model" your kids should have, rather than acknowledging that your kids will end up taking after you, or letting them work it out for themselves, an option that you might consider is Santa Claus.

Claus has a number of character traits that endear him to parents the world over. And he also has a few to remind us that he is not perfect. And let's face it; it is these very imperfections that make him the righteous dude that he is - kids in Christian households regularly start all their prayers around Christmas time with "Dear Santa" rather than "Dear God".

I just love the fact that some Christian parents will go out and firebomb abortion clinics and bash homosexuals, and then come home and happily allow their own children to breach the first commandment by doing this. WWJD?

But anyway, here's some facts about Claus:

1. He's magical. Not only can he levitate his imposing bulk up or down a chimney, but he can do this in houses where chimneys haven't even been built. He manages to do this all night without getting any soot on his fur-lined suit.

2. He has a flying sleigh. This is way cool. I'm told that when he visits Australia, he gives his reindeer a rest and hooks up six white boomers (large male kangaroos) to pull him around. Apparently the boomers are named Bruce, Trevor, Dave, Wally, Barry and Shane.

3. He only has one job, and that is to make presents all year for every kid in the world, and then deliver them personally. And even if a kid has been a little shocker all year, for all Claus' rhetoric about kids being nice and not naughty, he's softer than a jelly skateboard.

4. Claus hears your prayers. And he answers them too. But if your prayer was, "Can I have that hot new iPod Nano that all the kids at school have," don't be too concerned if his answer is a new pair of socks. Santa's hearing isn't all that great. But somehow, he knows what you need.

5. Claus gets a free feed wherever he goes. Of course, all these glasses of milk and chocolate chip cookies have resulted in a portly girth rivalling that of Homer Simpson's, but who cares about that?

6. Mrs Claus is allegedly rather fetching. And twenty-something, too. So what's Claus doing with a hot young wife? Well, it depends on whether you subscribe to the view that Claus is a dirty old pervert, or the view that Mrs Claus is a gold-digging tramp.

7. Claus has more impersonators than Elvis Presley and ABBA put together. And that has got to be one of the best arguments from popularity there is.

8. He works for free. Naturally, some have hazarded a guess at the Claus family fortune. Estimates vary, but the two things that experts agree on is this - firstly, it has got to be mind-blowingly huge. Secondly, you know that "secret cartel" that controls the world and how it "doesn't exist"? That's because the "secret cartel" is, in fact, Claus, his wife and his Chartered Accountant.

9. Claus has way more midgets working for him than Willy Wonka. In a rare comment on the record, the North Pole's Operations Chief Elrond hinted at some enmity between the two groups:

I would like to categorically deny that any of our staff were ever anywhere near Middle Earth. With His Noodliness as my witness, if that bitch [Wonka CFO] Galadriel doesn’t withdraw that scurrilous allegation, I am personally going to visit her on the Polar Express this Christmas Eve and personally serve her with a signed and notarised six-pack of whup-ass.

10. Claus says "Ho ho ho!" A lot.

And it’s this last point that has landed some of his “helpers” in hot water. Thanks to Romulus Crowe of Marchway Memoirs who blogged about this here, some of his helpers in Sydney are now banned from saying this legendary catchphrase.

Apparently it’s now normal for Australian women, according to the personnel company that is hiring Santas, to interpret this as “Slut slut slut!”

This is despite the fact that the term “ho” doesn’t really have any widespread usage in Australia outside of impressionable homeboys and hipster 40-something English teachers wanting to be “Down with the boys in the ’hood.

So would a ban on Santas saying ‘Ho ho ho!’ be acceptable to mums and dads? I don’t think so.

But then again, I don’t really see many mums and dads attempting to discourage the notion that believing in a mythical superhero who has provided no proof of his existence is a good thing, either.


Plonka said...

Loved the "Six White boomers" reference. My very first record, at the age of about 8, was a Rolf Harris record called "Boomanoomanar" and guess what my favourite track was...

I'm not sure about Mrs. Claus though. Notice how it's all "allegedly"? No one's ever seen seen a real picture, only an "artists impression". I think he's gay and it's all just PR spin.

My kids believed it until my oldest worked it out. Then they tried to keep the fact that they knew quiet for a couple years and we let them. Our reasoning was that they're only kids once and if we don't help them make the most of it, who will?

But how about "Mole, mole, mole" this is Australia after all...;)

tom sheepandgoats said...

Santa Claus....

Didn't I read somewhere of the parents who told their daughter all about Santa Claus, and the child believed it until the kids down the street told them the truth?

And then they told their daughter all about the Easter Bunny, and the child believed that too until the kids down the street told them the truth?

And then they told their daughter all about the tooth fairy, and the child also believed it until the kids down the street told them the truth?

And then, as she entered adolescence, they told her about sex. But since they'd always been full of nonsense, the girl wasn't falling for it. Instead she went to the kids down the street who had never been wrong, and even offered to demonstrate.

How many kids is she raising now?

Yes, a very very dangerous holiday.

tom sheepandgoats said...

And I see you've made contact with Marchway Memoirs. Now I must go over there and see if you are squabbling or if you are best of chums.

Plonka said...


Yes, a very very dangerous holiday.

Lol. Next they'll be telling god doesn't exist. We can't have that now, can we?

Dikkii said...

Hi Tom, and welcome to my blog.

That's a cool story there. I'm not sure what the moral is, but teaching kids to question everything would have solved that. The girl in question would, by that point in time, should have been a dab hand at looking stuff up on the internet or at the library.

Another great example of why blind acceptance is not a good thing.

Marchway Memoirs is good value. I'm doing some more reading of it.

Dikkii said...

Plonka, I nearly missed yours:

Re Mrs Claus, yes, he could be gay. He does, after all, look a lot like Albus Dumbledore. Which is another popular culture reference I could have poked into Elrond's comment on the record.

You know, I worked it out quite early. But I never told may parents. And just in case they're reading (Hi Mum, Hi Dad) I still believe in Santa, dammit! Not about to spoil that little gravy train now.

I believe "Moll, moll, moll!" is the correct spelling. Not that anyone at school ever spelt it correctly.

Romulus Crowe said...

You have to wonder about all those jolly sailors who spent a lot of time shouting 'Yo ho'.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum... sounds like a damn good night on the town. I bet they can't sing that song any more.

Does Santa start in Australia? He'd have to reach the boomers before they hit the 4-X. Or is it Fosters?

Ah, well it won't be long before Santa gets banned altogether. Letting a strange old man with a sack into your kids' bedroom late at night? That's just asking to be politically corrected.

Dikkii said...

G'day Romulus, and thanks for dropping by,

Jolly sailors have never been the most PC of people.

Santa start in Oz? I'd say so, if you don't count Fiji and NZ. Those boomers, if they are actually based in OZ to start with wouldn't drink Fosters - it's very rare for any Australian to actually drink the stuff. XXXX also, unless you're from Queensland.

You forgot to mention that the strange old man is dressed in red.

Anonymous said...

Just to clarify - it's only one recruitment agency doing this. All of Australia hasn't gone mad with PCness.

In case anyone got the wrong idea from the blog.

Dikkii said...

Yes, you're right, Mobyseven. I should have made that point more clearly.

Michael Bains said...

I'm pretty sure a cat with Claus' cash would definitely be baggin' a hotty.

Either that or them reigndeer are doing double-duty.

Or the elves. Elrond notwithstanding.

Oh! Dude drinks Corona, btw. Just like all teh Playas.

Dikkii said...

MB, I think that we can conclude that if he's a single bloke and open minded, he's not short on options. But they do start to get unusual.